The beginning

Perhaps the beginning isn't the best title for this blog, but it gives it the sense that something is starting.

Right now I have been listening to the book, "The Christian Atheist" by Craig Groeschel. Before you start thinking "that is an oxymoron," you might want to think about it a little more. I can honestly say I am guilty of believing in God, but living as if he doesn't exist. The more I read this book, the more I really get a look into how my life has just moved along from day-to-day with moments of repentance, lots of horrible decisions and acts, and then more repentance. I am so sick of taking two steps forward and three steps back. I am tired of asking for forgiveness, but not really accepting it or believing that I am forgiven.

I have gone through the motions and read my bible daily, prayed, gone to church, and even volunteered with church and my community. All these things are just acts. Ways of trying to convince myself that I am being a Christian. By pretending is all it really is and all it has really felt like. It doesn't matter what people see on the outside if my heart isn't for God. I have even had the best of intentions. What is the saying, "Fake it till you make it." I don't want to fake it, I don't want to be one person at church, one person at home and one person at work. God is the same always (Hebrews 13:8), why should I be different. Sure God is complex. I see God is multifaceted, but not having multiple personalities. I am a wife, an employee, a child of God, a child of my parents, a sister, and friend, and a leader. I shouldn't be a Christian at church, a slacker and lazy wife at home, and a hard working, "get along with everyone", bobble head at work. (by bobble head I mean someone that just nods and agrees with everything everyone says, whether right or wrong).

I want honesty in this blog, and that is what I'm going to put down. I don't love Jesus enough. It is my prayer to love him more and to know him more. To have him as my personal savior, friend, and healer. My words speak one thing and my heart believes another. Until my words and heart jive with one another, I will continue to battle. Thank you Lord for continuing to minister to my heart through your Word and the people around me.